Today was a really bad day. The fact that the song "Nervous Breakdown" (BF) needed to be piped into every vein in my body and that I felt forced to blast "Attitude" (Misfits) at full blast to make my soul stop hurting should be an indication of the mood I was in today. Started with people being dicks on the highway, get to work and read through the Hurricane Relief applications I received. Have $15,000 to give to over 40 people, many of whom lost everything. The stories just broke my heart. Then I had a major bad karma project involving some nasty bad stuff and ate lunch really late because I couldn't get the fuck out of the office. So, screaming, "if I don't find a way out of here I'm going to go berserk" is pretty fitting, shall we say.
I'm at a crossroads right now. A huge part of me wants to give up, find some land in bumblefuck Montana and start a farm. Another part of me wants to go back to school and get a Psy.D and start a practice where I can actually help people, and not pretend to help people like I do now. I help people so they can be productive and make the company money. That is not helping people, that is helping a company. And I am sick of it. I'm sick of living in Corporate America and jerking its wang to squeeze out the last bit of sanity our employee's have so the company can gain market share. I did not get a Master's degree to sit at my desk and compile spreadsheets, answer e-mail and make the CEO and shareholders rich. I am not built for this shit.
I am looking, but what I'm looking for is going to be the same shit. I checked a book out of the library called "Careers for Non-Conformists." Need to start reading. There has to be something out there that I can do that I can feel purpose in, because I haven't felt purposeful in a long time. I'm not willing to be a useless waste of space. You live once and I want to do something that matters, not be a corporate slave. Even if I find a private company that is not traded, I still think it is going to be the same bullshit. I'm just glad I have some good punk rock in my ears to soothe the hurt away. So, if you see some wacked out redhead drumming her ass off on her steering wheel in the car on 485 in Charlotte, disregard, sanity is fleeing the building.
I'm at a crossroads right now. A huge part of me wants to give up, find some land in bumblefuck Montana and start a farm. Another part of me wants to go back to school and get a Psy.D and start a practice where I can actually help people, and not pretend to help people like I do now. I help people so they can be productive and make the company money. That is not helping people, that is helping a company. And I am sick of it. I'm sick of living in Corporate America and jerking its wang to squeeze out the last bit of sanity our employee's have so the company can gain market share. I did not get a Master's degree to sit at my desk and compile spreadsheets, answer e-mail and make the CEO and shareholders rich. I am not built for this shit.
I am looking, but what I'm looking for is going to be the same shit. I checked a book out of the library called "Careers for Non-Conformists." Need to start reading. There has to be something out there that I can do that I can feel purpose in, because I haven't felt purposeful in a long time. I'm not willing to be a useless waste of space. You live once and I want to do something that matters, not be a corporate slave. Even if I find a private company that is not traded, I still think it is going to be the same bullshit. I'm just glad I have some good punk rock in my ears to soothe the hurt away. So, if you see some wacked out redhead drumming her ass off on her steering wheel in the car on 485 in Charlotte, disregard, sanity is fleeing the building.
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